Previously - Annoying Spike shouldn't have used frozen scallops. He's out. We're down to four and it's part one of the season finale! Puerto Rico!
Welcome to Puerto Rico! Why are they here? Is Puerto Rico known for neurotic chefs? Stephanie has been traveling for six months in Thaliand and Cambodia. First off - why? Secondly - did she make a wrong turn somewhere? Jesus, buy a map.
She meets up with Antonia, who has opened a restaurant. Her daughter is getting used to Mommy not loving her anymore. She didn't say that but let's be real - she's gone six nights of the week. Here's Richard who lost some weight and then made the faux-hawk longer. He looks...off, somehow. He still has the moobs, though. Ok, he's still cute but in a smaller way.
Richard takes a moment to let us know that he likes Antonia and Stephanie but is fully aware that America hates Lisa. I gather he does, too. And he always seemed like a nice guy. Lisa chopped all her hair off. She looks like Dykey Dykepecker. I'm all for cutting your hair off but at least have a hairstyle in mind. It's all over the place!
More Top Chef, after the jump!
Padma's talking about the "endgame" like this is the culmination of her diabolical plot. Her top is too tropical cute for her cold, swarthy beauty. She's with a dude who I though was Colecovision having sucked the fat out of Richard, but no. It's Willow or something. Willow Benett? Richard lets us know that he embodies the island.
The chefs have to make fritters with plantains. Lisa hurls herself into the kitchen because she's so different, and the other three go for the fruit. Chefs chop, cut, peel, and all that chef stuff. Richard sets himself on fire. No, really, I thought he was done for. Outside, Padma and Willow are getting tanked on beers. The lady chefs this year are broad-shouldered and I like it. Antonia made a fritter without plantains. Bad!
Here's Lisa. She made a go fuck you fritter? Padma is drinking the taste of Lisa's fritter out of her mouth You and several of her ex-girlfriends. Richard didn't actually make fritters? Willow liked all of the fritters. Willow felt that Antonia didn't pull her fritter weight.
Richard's face falls when Lisa is told she did a great job. Stephanie wins her first Quickfire win! Hasn't won like three elimination challenges? Padma says that she'll find out what her elimination win will gain her tomorrow. Right now, let's party. Padma cuts a rug. So does Willow, and then the girls join in. Richard DOESN'T DANCE, DAMNIT! We get it, you're awkward yet cool. Just take off your shirt and shake that belly around.
The next day, the chefs gather at some fort. Tom Colecovision didn't bang in this time, and is showing off some cleavage. The chefs are cooking for some VIP garden part at the governor's...fort. The chefs have to hack up a pig. A whole pig. Richard looks so cute in his camo capris. They return the last four chefs to go home. Stephanie knew Dale for four years? Stephanie is evil and picks Andrew to assist Lisa. If you will recall, Lisa threw his ass under the bus and then backed it up and rode it over him again. Oh oh. Stephanie's sly!
Each chef has a giant pig. Richard is gaining inspiration from the pig. The helper chefs are sent to the market for the main chefs. Lisa knows Latin flavors and is confident about her food even though no one else is. Honey, putting your fingers in a Latina chick once doesn't mean you should be making mole sauce with any sort of confidence, ok?
Sous chefs head to the market to totally destroy the remaining chefs game plans. Andrew has to communicate with a woman who speaks absolutely no English. She doesn't like him, either. I'm with you, senora. Andrew says he usually uses color words and descriptions in those cases but usually comes off looking like a retard and admits that it happens often to him. This is the first time I've ever liked Andrew.
Dale is asserting his stankness and choosing his own ingredients. Lisa is so violent that she's hammering her pig. Antonia knows that it sounds terrible that she can pop the pig's legs right out. Richard is looking for some beverage called "Malta". Birds fly into the kitchen. Jesus, this is so exotic.
The kitchen's cramped and Richard brought bright green painter's tape. Lisa is a bitch to work for, and Richard says she's a rainy day in the kitchen. She really is. She's like Andrew move, "because I seem to be a bit faster at you than that..." Damn, chef! Just fire his ass. Two hours are up and did Dale leave something unwrapped?
The chefs have five hours the next day? And yes, Dale left something unwrapped. He actually feels really bad. He should feel worse about those weird shop teacher glasses and hat combo he's got on. Richard is torching pig's feet. It's like pork torture.
Antonia's rice is is overcooked. And her sous chef Nikki feels something is off with her. Lisa is making Eucharist? Oh Jesus! Stephanie's freaking but then they decide on pig skin salad. Uh, mmmm? The chefs set up for their 100-person cocktail party. Stephanie tells Dale one minute. Dale does seem a little calmer since he lost. Here they come!
The First Lady of Puerto Rico is here! Padma looks delightfult in a sky blue toga type thing. Drunk Gail is here! She's so drunk that she's cross-eyed. Richard gives this whole spiel about his food. Richard thinks it's a "painting". Richard, just put it in the food, kid. He runs around like a kid with ADD. Get his ass some Ritalin or a cocktail.
We come to Lisa. The judges arrive. Lisa says she knows that the judges are much more "anal" about the food. Well, yeah, it's Top Chef! Antonia! Drunk Gail is about to pass out in a sterno burner. She needs to sober her ass up or she's going to end up with a fork sticking out of her glorious boobie.
Ok, the judges are at their table. We're not going to get the Storeroom of the Hell Dimension this time. That's back in Chicago. Willow (Weelo?) But they find a new one! Richard has nice legs, and I like the white....oh shit, are those Crocs? Scratch that. Richard and Stephanie get called. They were the judges' favorites.
Richard won! Yay! He won a friggin' 2009 Corolla! He's so cute. There's still taxes! I don't mean to be a downer, sorry.
Antonia and Lisa head out to be decapitated. Tom Colecovision has his gruff face on. He wants to know know why she cooked Latin food when she's known for cooking Asian. Gail slurs that Lisa concentrated more on the garnishes than on the dishes themselves. Where's your pig, Lisa?
Antonia's beans were underdone. Well they were called "pigeon peas" or something and what do you expect? Pigeons are gross. And she had all her dishes on one plate. Drunk Gail is so ready to nosedive on Coleco's basket. "Ish eet Eastah?" she will drunkenly ask.
Lisa's out back acting like the lesbian of doom saying she's going home. I like this modified Storeroom of Maudlin Feeling and how they still set up GLAD products to shill in the background. The judges want to tell Antonia that there's no such thing as al dente beans. Who knew?
And it's time. By the way, 91% of the people who voted in the US want Lisa to get the hell out. Ouch. I hope she has some sort of car repair circle to hold her. Lisa makes a pursed lips face to indicate she wants to punch Coleco. He says one table didn't have crowds around it. And I guess it wasn't Lisa's. I am SHOCKED they axed Antonia. I really thought she would go the distance.
She tells Stephanie to kick their ass. I liked this chick. And then Lisa tells the others that a "congratulations would have been nice". Oh she's such a clam. She says that it made her feel like the wrong person went home. Richard gives her a "shut the fuck up" look. Richard shows some snark and says "what did she expect? You won the f*cking bronze medal. Congratulations. There ya go." HAH!
Next - It's the end. And I'm sure we'lll get some more clam diggery from Lisa.
Cheryl says:
Did they all get fatter or what?
Jeanna says:
HAHAHA! Love this. Sums it up nicely. Ah and I loved Antonia too, but wtf are pigeon peas anyway? And Lisa STFU, please.
Schmillian says:
That was HILLARIOUS! Dykey Dykepecker....that was genius. Always fun to read your recaps.
kitt says:
poor lisa. so insecure and angry. what blatant projection there at the end of the show.... i really think she has social anxiety disorder. i know this because i have it too and that's how i act in groups, especially when there's competition. she clearly does not like herself and is only comfortable when no one else likes her either. and i know this because.... well, yes..... as for gail, i firmly believe she needs to cut her hair. she really would look much better if she would get a bob. her hair is too thin to look good so long. she needs to let go of the dream of being a pretty brunette with long hair. and she shouldn't get some kind of wispy feathery bob, but just a classic straight bob, like the new katie holmes look but no bangs. it would do wonders for her. man lisa really dug her own grave here. as for the winner, of course it's going to be richard, he's a genius, he can't be beat. that was clear from the start. i have a feeling that he has not yet begun to fight, as they say..... not sure if i'm even going to watch that junk but i will be reading jharvey's recap-- you know it......
Ashley says:
Richard's comment at the end was HILARIOUS! And I was sad to see Antonia go. She hasn't always been one of my favs, but Lisa should have went home 3 episodes ago. I just hope to God that Lisa doesn't win. She doesn't deserve the satisfaction. I'll be happy if either Stephanie or Richard win cause I like them both!
Diane says:
As much as I love watching Top Chef, I can't wait for these recaps! My dog thinks I've lost it because I'm laughing out loud. Antonia ~ YOU ROCK! So sad to see you go. Lisa ~ Go home; nobody likes you and you have a horrible attitude. Stephanie and Richard ~ Good luck to both of you. I'd be happy seeing either of you take the title!
stef says:
"Honey, putting your fingers in a Latina chick once doesn't mean you should be making mole sauce with any sort of confidence, ok?" LMFAO
Lisa obviously sux. The producers must have made a deal that she had to stay for the drama. Props to Stephanie for looking pained and then saying, "Of course. congratulations." and leaving. She's got class.
Esther Greenwood says:
Since we all seem to agree that Lisa is Grade-A stank, here's more fuel for the fire, from a recent interview with the New York Daily News regarding fan reaction:
Top Chef contestant Lisa Fernandes responded: "Oh no, I don't read the blogs--you couldn't pay me to read the blogs. I don't want to know what people who can't even afford to eat in my restaurant, let alone know how to cook have to say about me, and the few comments I did read on Eater.com a few weeks back because my job asked me to read 'em. The best they could come up with was that I was ugly."
four20boo says:
Richard might be quite inovative in the gastromy world. but lord he's one hell of ugly dude. i barfed up my lunch when i read that he was refer to as "cute". blech! he's fat, ugly, gay-wannabee, and has merto hair that's from 1995! good lord, get ur eyes checked!
Edwin says:
Lisa sucks and she has slid by and the wrong people have gone home every time. She has that look like she doesn't care and is so angry all the time. No one congratulated you because you suck and shouldn't be here thats why Lisa!!!!! I'm actually at the point where I think the producers want to keep her just so we are doing what we do and talk about the show. I haven't seen one thing Lisa has done that was truly any good. She is ugly she is a bitch and she is not a good cook enough said. In ending she belongs on "A shot at STD's with Tila Uglita" instead of a cooking show