Hello all! Thank you for joining me for another edition of "Unqualified With J. Harvey". This week's problem? A reader needs to know how to keep from upchucking when someone serves her testicles. No, it's not a bedroom problem. Keep reading.
hi j. harvey,
thanks for replying to my previous email. it was very
helpful to read your answer and the array of
thoughtful replies from so many concerned readers.
and as i said in that first email, i have many things
to ask you. so, what's the next topic that i'm lost
and confused about? that's right, it's about table
manners. specifically:
have you ever been in a situation where you're at
someone's house for dinner and they've cooked a meal
for you and it is utterly AWFUL and possibly even
nauseating to you and you can hardly bear to eat it?
or some degrees down from this? i travel
internationally quite a bit and this has happened to
me several times. it's a big dilemma because there is
a lot of emotional pressure on me to be the "happy,
grateful foreigner" (i'm not talking about rich
countries with fine cuisine... i usually am in
developing countries). i often feel that i have no
choice but to scarf it down. they will simply not
accept claims that i'm not hungry, i find. they
expect me to eat it anyway. sharing a meal and even
more importantly, accepting a meal that someone has
cooked for you is an important part of social
networking in my field, and the people i work with are
very very sensitive to what i think of them and their
culture/food etc. however, i have a sensitive stomach
and twice i have ran away from the table vomiting
because i couldn't tolerate the meal i was being
served (once it was actually just from *watching*
someone else eat a meal that seemed beyond disgusting
to me)
i love my work and i appreciate my clients a lot, but
i don't want to eat what they serve me 75% of the
time. do you have any suggestions for a tactful way
to handle this????
thanks again!
kittt
This is a tough one. Firstly, I have some questions. What does this person do? I'm dying to know. Work for Oxfam? Can I have her frequent flyer miles in payment for the advice? Bitch sounds like she gets around the globe. Anyway, keep reading for some tips to help her out.
Dear kittt,
Firstly, I kinda understand the concern. If I was some third world denizen and I made wombat intenstines special for a visitor and had my usual anaconda brains on a leaf and she got all snooty about the grub (or "grubs" literally), I'd spear her and hide the body. Here's what I would do. First off, so you don't vomit again, don't actually eat the food. Pack some candy bars or something in your large shoulder bag. i say "large" shoulder bag because that's where you're going to be stowing the bat wings they serve you. You need to get good at sleight of hand and misdirection. Firstly, mime that you're eating and move the food around on your plate. If anything actually gets eaten, use your steer pelt or whatever it is you have for a napkin to conceal the food you spit out. About 1/4 through the meal, you should suddenly widen your eyes, point and say "ohmigod, that mud hut's on fire!" and when everyone's running - scoop all of that food in your bag. Make sure it's not a hot bag. Buy something big and cheap at H&M or something. And something that's waterproof and animal internal organs proof. Buy several for as many meals as you're going to be at. As for the problem of others eating goat eyes and you vomiting because of it, just try to focus on the conversation and if someone really digs into something heinous, fixate your gaze on your glass of water or beverage. Pretend it's a calm pool that you're floating in. Lastly, stay at the most western place you can in these countries and invite THEM over to experience the magic of vending machines in your hotel room. Seriously, once they have Lays tater chips, it will be like oxen rectum what?
Please continue sending me your requests for advice, or frequent flier miles, or recipes for haggis to harvey.advice@gmail.com! !
Note to our readers, J. Harvey is in no way a counselor, advisor, professional, priest, or in any way qualified to be giving out advice. Please take it with a grain of salt and a sense of humor. In other words, don't sue.
peachpie says:
you might also think about taking some dramamine right before mealtime. it really helps settle the stomach and desensitize it a bit. i learned this a while ago when having to eat my exmother-in-law's cooking at the holidays.
it's also really good for when you have uncontrollable vomiting. a pharmacist turned me on to the trick actually. take one dramamine (or one half of one dramamine) with as little water as possible, just after you've vomited. if it stays down for 15 minutes, it will begin to settle your stomach. if you upchuck it before 15 minutes has passed, you'll need to keep trying until you can get it to stay down. works like a charm for me.
good luck to you, kittt, do keep us posted, okay??
T-Bone says:
Somehow create fake, giant lesions and place them in your mouth. When they're about to serve you food, open your mouth, reveal the sores, and tell them it's simpy too painful to eat.
If that doesn't work, drug your hosts ;)
DruNken LauRen'' says:
I am Mexican and I have many different racial/ethnic types of friends. Well this one good friend of mine, (white/blond/American girl) had a brilliant idea when eating at my house.. she announce at the dinner table, "Do NOT tell me what I am eating" and we didn't and she did just fine.
So don't ask just eat.
or you can try the I don't eat meat thing and see if that flies.
DruNken LauRen'' says:
I am Mexican and I have many different racial/ethnic types of friends. Well this one good friend of mine, (white/blonde/American girl) had a brilliant idea when eating at my house.. she announce at the dinner table, "Do NOT tell me what I am eating" and we didn't and she did just fine.
So don't ask just eat.
or you can try the I don't eat meat thing and see if that flies.
missy says:
If you are religious, this is a good way to get closer to God & save your esophageous.
Tell your guests that you fast until sundown (or sun up), and can't eat for religious purposes. Or even health purposes. Just stick to it (don't wanna be sacrrligious!) and make other lively conversation to lead attention away from your abstinence.
Good luck!
DavidDust says:
It reminds me of a song from my childhood:
"Have you ever went over a friends house to eat
and the food just ain't no good? I mean the macaroni's soggy, the peas are mushed and the chicken tastes like wood..."
Applespice says:
Another good one is to state you have a horrible allergy to "..."
For instance, if they're serving you testicles with chopped onion and some bread, explain that you're allergic to the onion the testicles were cooked in. Explain it will make you not only vomit, but possibly cause your throat to swell to the point you can't breathe.
After all, no one wants to be responsible for killing a visitor.
Rachel says:
I have taken a lot of international business courses and all of them have recommended the book "Kiss, Bow, or Shake Hands" which features etiquette for the counties that most Americans do business in. It gives you rules for what you can and should not do when traveling abroad, including a few reasons to not eat food served to you. another good book on this topic is "World Wise, what to know before you go" both can be found on amazon.
Good luck!
cuddlesmcgee says:
Two excuses;I am diabetic and/or in mouring for my ____ right now. Only water or tea will pass my lips and I shall eat my own bread of iniquity I have with me, ..thank you.
An says:
This typically happens to me in certain countries like Russia. So, whenever I travel or visit another's home, I tend to pack granola bars and eat a bit before I attend the person's meal (& after). I also pack pepto bismal, dramamine (as someone mentioned), and advil. Feel free to take the pepto and dramamine before dinner. During dinner, if the water/tea is safe, do consume it. Also, do eat at least a quarter of the meal, then do the J. Harvey pushing bit. Your co-workers are right, food is important to most cultures. Heck, I get pissed when mys students refuse to consume my charred brownies. However, do let your co-workers/hosts know about your sensitive stomach ahead of time. I've also discovered that if I tell people that I'm slightly full, but I ask to take a portion home, they're still pissed that I didn't eat all I could, but less so as I'm indicating my interest by taking something home -